these feelings haven't arisen for quite a while, but i think they're back -_-

i'd like to ignore them to avoid the probable, no the inevitable hurt

the situation is interesting, and if anything were to come out of it i'd truly be surprised

BUT OH WELL

i've come to realize that there are some people in life you just have to let go. i remember meeting this one girl, about a year and a half ago. around the time of my first lss, we met through community service. i remember speaking to her on the phone until 6 in the morning, just to watch rocket power. now i see pictures of her life now online, and im dissapointed in myself. i remember the first time she did something that was BAAAAAAAD, and i went off. i went mad hard trying to find out what to really believe and i just ended up letting it go. turns out that was a bad choice. now that i see her pictures online, of what she does now, who she hangs out with, im still dissapointed! now shes out smoking, drinking, getting high, getting drunk, having sex probably, getting taken advantage of. im dissapointed because i think she looked up to me, or at least thats something id like to believe. ive let her down, and ive let myself down. i think i couldve changed the outcome of her life, but i was too busy with my own stuff in my school. while she was slowly changing in hers. damn niggaa



another thing. i toooooo often find myself asking "whats wrong" or"are you okay?" i think i set myself up for some kind of self-fulfillment kind of problem because i think helping people out gives me a sense of happiness, which is to be given by another aspect of my life, or is left absent because of something that is present in my life. i trail, and try to find out whats wrong, because i know i can help! i think people will automatically open up, but thats wrong because its not easy being on the other side of that talk/relationship. ive had a lot of success in helping k.c and now we're really good friends. but i can see a gap forming in our relationship, even though i think ive made a life changing impact on her life. now i find myself trying to help someone else, t.m another person from school. their situations seem very similar, however the second person is having trouble opening up to me, as well as other people, which is discouraging. however i think she will eventually get help, probably elsewhere sadly. i need to help people, i need to be a kind person, to shadow other parts of my personality, and fulfill the part of my life which needs it most.

i'm almost a month late, but oh well! this weekend was amazing, one of the greatest that i can remember.

1. the primary goal of this conference for me (at least i tried to make it so) was to glorify God, and i think we succeeded at this goal.
2. solution- probably the first song where i've had a guitar solo, and i've had to perform in front of mad people. i'm not so used to that kind of spotlight stuff, so it was definitely a step up!!!!
3. mad people- BLD washington, CFC jersey, and some other group from maryland whose name i don't remember. MAAAAAAAAAA NIGGAZ SON!!!!! i met mad people
4. saturday mass- maaaaaaaaad niggas be watchin us son!!!! like 1000+ i think it was? i don't know lol, but son!!!! say wat up!!!!! i have reached 1k people watching me at one time, next step is 1.5k son
5. sunday healing- this was definitely the highlight of the whole retreat. i believe i received the gift of tongues and also i finally saw something from God, which i've been waiting for!
6. chillin wit niggas in da car!!!!!!!

lol though for real. i remember throughout freshman year i would be thinking about my other NIGGAZZZZZZZZZZZ you know ansar, christian, diego, and midhun. diego the least because i would see him every sunday or so. but like now that it's summer and i chill with ansar, diego, midhun, jamal, zeeshan i start thinking about my other NIGGAZ! you know, like terry, peter, casey, katie, jacqueline, marion, calvin, etc. not to exclude people but i'm just too lazy to do so.

so CHYEAH SON that's brian and jin and joseph and jacqueline. this was the last time i chilled with them :( right before the afccpc conference. that's to be gotten to later.

so that's wagner, jason, terry, and katie. katie and terry be ma main niggazzz ukn0 son. this was when we went to play pool, and hooters after for uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't even remember i think anthonys birthday lol


damn I MISS THIS NIGGA RIGHT HERE! that's jacqueline, lydia, terry, and peter. I DEFINITELY MISS DEZE NIGGAZZSZSZ!!!

DIS IS MA NIGGA CALVIN HU SON HE MAD GANGSTA. this is when we went to that fort totten place and i took a piss there :)

so yeah, this was winter concert and that's casey and lydia. THIS NIGGA IS WEARIN MA JACKET WTFZZZ

so this is YAZ TRULY MEH and this is at marions. this was probably during first semester because we almost never went during second :(


this is the restricted york college handball courts. that was me, gabriel, jason kim, peter, joseph, calvin and anthony. we were there BCUZ WE R G@NG$T@ZZZZZ


DIS MA STR8 ^ NIGGA TERRY AKA RAP BATTLE NAME MIN J. lol sorry i had to

iite well i'm too lazy to add commentary now, so....:

















THE END!!!!!!

You entered: Cyril Bernardo

There are 13 letters in your name.
Those 13 letters total to 72
There are 4 vowels and 9 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

Your Soul Urge number is: 3

A Soul Urge number of 3 means:
With the Soul Urge number 3 your desire in life is personal expression, and generally enjoying life to its fullest. You want to participate in an active social life and enjoy a large circle of friends. You want to be in the limelight, expressing your artistic or intellectual talents. Word skills may be your thing; speaking, writing, acting, singing. In a positive sense, the 3 energy is friendly, outgoing and always very social.

You have a decidedly upbeat attitude that is rarely discouraged; a good mental and emotional balance.

The 3 Soul Urge gives intuitive insight, thus, very high creative and inspirational tendencies. The truly outstanding trait shown by the 3 Soul Urge is that of self-expression, regardless of the field of endeavor.

On the negative side, you may at times become too easygoing and too optimistic, tending to scatter forces and accomplish very little. Often, the excessive 3 energy produces non-stop talkers. Everyone has faults, but the 3 soul urge doesn't appreciate having these pointed out.

Your Inner Dream number is: 6

An Inner Dream number of 6 means:
You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit.